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Cracker-style japes

21 Dec

Christmas chickenI’m doing a lot of reading lately, all of it research for a new writing project I’m embarking on. Specifically, this one. The plan is to write five chapters of a YA novel by the end of February 2012, have the good people over at Hardie Grant Egmont begging for the rest, and the next thing you know I’m a published author. It’s just that easy!

In the meantime, however, it’s Christmas! So here are some ‘humorous’ Christmas cracker style jokes to share with your loved ones over a freshly picked chicken carcass this December 25.

Why did the rooster get a tattoo?
He wanted to impress the chicks.

Where are chicks born?
In Chick-cago.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

Happy holidays!

Crossed chickens

9 May

What a cool dude.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a guitar?
A: A chicken that plays music when you pluck it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a chicken with a pit bull?
A: Just a pit bull.

(It’s been a while since I’ve posted poultry-themed jokes, so I thought I’d brighten your day with these “hilarious” gems.)

Bonus joke: What do you call a frightened scuba diver?
A: Chicken of the sea.

Chicken farm

9 Mar

There was a man who came from the city, wanting to start a chicken farm of his own. He went to a local hatchery to buy some chickens, and bought 500 fine White Rock chicks.

The next week he came back to the hatchery and bought 500 top quality Rhode Island Red chicks.

The following week it was 500 Cornish chicks.

This went on for weeks, until finally the hatchery man could stand it no longer.

“Wow, you must be starting a huge poultry farm with all of these chickens!” he said to the city slicker.

“Not so big really,” the man sighed. “I’m just having a little trouble with this first crop – I can’t tell if I’m planting them too deep or too close together.”

**************************************

Okay, that was terrible, I admit it. Those wacky city slickers!

But here is something that’s EVEN WORSE than that joke: dailychickenjoke.com. Yes, someone once dreamt of a site that would post a new poultry-related joke EVERY SINGLE DAY. It started on 16 October 2008 and lasted 200 jokes, until 3 May 2009. Is that a joke a day for that time? I don’t know, I’m crap at maths.

There are many, many crap jokes on dailychickenjoke.com. But there are actually a few okay ones, too, as shown by these:

Chicken Joke #194
Q: Why was the chicken look up “painters” in the phone book?
A: He wanted to find someone to paint him naked.

Chicken Joke #195
Q: Why did the chicken even have a phone book?
A: It was 1995.

Phone book jokes = always hilarious. See also: pager jokes.

So a chicken crossed the road…

6 Feb

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Well, earlier that morning the farmer’s daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open, as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn’t really studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her father’s recent heart attack. This, coupled with the burden of the extra chores that had been delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.

Several chickens escaped, but only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a van as it attempted to make its way home.

Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a community mental health worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam, caught the eye of the mental health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.

“Cool,” thought the mental health worker. “Those feathers will make excellent trout flies.” He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers, then placed them in an envelope.

He then rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. “God, I love this job,” he muttered to no-one in particular.

(A very random ‘joke’ I came across on sickipedia.org. A little odd, no? But it did make me laugh.)

Chicken salad

2 Feb

I made a chicken salad the other day.

He didn’t even say thank you.

(This is my favourite joke at the moment. Mostly because I’m crap at remembering jokes, but the word play in this one is so superb it sticks in my head.)