Tag Archives: I can’t believe I read the whole thing

Fame

21 Sep

Fame by Tilly Bagshawe, 2011

The captivating FameI don’t know what to say about Tilly Bagshawe’s Fame. There’s just so much wrong with it – the writing, the plot, the cover, the blurb. But it’s a trashy beach read, so what did I expect? Wuthering Heights?*

It’s all very Jackie Collins-esque. Set around the filming and promotion of a Massive Hollywood Movie, the book is populated with several apparently jaw-droppingly gorgeous film stars, powerful directors, bitter wives, and a quiet but determined girl who doesn’t know how beautiful and wonderful she truly is. There are sex scenes in which women orgasm at a single touch, and, conversely, romantic scenes in which couples get engaged before even making it to first base.

There’s also writing like this:

“All you need to be fighting for is your strength,” said Dorian soberly, marvelling for the thousandth time at Sabrina’s limitless ambition. Even with a broken heart, and having just emerged from a coma, she was thinking about her next career move.

See? A coma! And a plucky comeback from a coma! That’s the mark of a quality read if ever there was one.

By the way, the blurb doesn’t seem to be about this book – I don’t think whoever wrote it has actually read Fame. It mentions three – yes, THREE! – events that aren’t in the book. Come ON Tilly Bagshawe! Did you really sign off on this? You, who wrote the following sexy, sexy passage?

Her hair spread out across the bedspread like an arc of peacock feathers, and her breasts rose and fell beneath the delicate lace of her bra like two ripe peaches quivering on a tree.

(Ah yes, the peacock-feathered quivering peach tree. I know it well.)

Also, the woman on the front cover doesn’t resemble anyone in the book.

But Fame is what it is. Yeah, it’s trashy, but I admit I was compelled to make it to the end so I could find out what the hell happened to the characters (and yes, it was just as odd as I’d hoped).

So… well played, Tilly, well played.

*This is an in-joke, as the movie they’re filming is actually an adaptation of Wuthering Heights. The 0% of my readership who have read Fame would know that.

This was another installment in my MS Novel Challenge series. Sponsor me?

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Big Girl

6 Mar

Big Girl by Danielle Steel, 2010

Big Girl

Remember when you were young and Danielle Steel books were considered somewhat risqué? I mean, she was no Virginia Andrews – and definitely no Jackie Collins – but her novels were always filled with forbidden passion, wealthy characters, and melodrama galore. How grown-up!

But any youngsters who happen across Steel’s Big Girl will be sadly disappointed… unless, of course, they find much excitement in  ridiculously repetitive books that feature a girl who has troubles with her weight. Yep, that’s the story: the main character, Victoria, has always been chubby, and now that she’s in her late 20s she can’t go ONE GODDAMN PAGE WITHOUT BITCHING ABOUT IT. Sure, there are some other bits thrown in: an impossibly gorgeous sister called Gracie who’s Getting Married To The Wrong Man, a love interest, and a job as a teacher. But these are just devices that allow Victoria to moan about her battle with her weight, because who needs to actually have some kind of plot when you can just detail a binging/dieting cycle, ammiright?! 

Gracie had basked in their parents’ praise all her life, because she was an accessory that enhanced them. And because Victoria was different, she had been emotionally starved by them. (I see what you did there, Danielle – way to work in the food thing! Smooth.)

I know I shouldn’t have expected much – after all, Big Girl comes from an author who publishes, on average, a book every four months. She doesn’t have time to delve into issues, dammit! This girl is big because she was born big, and her parents don’t love her as much as they adore her wonderful sister, which makes her eat herself happy, so she sees a therapist about it, and that’s all you need to know. Oh, and she has great legs. That’s mentioned about every 10 pages or so. And she has amazing friends, a fab apartment, holidays all over the place, guys who want to date her… but her weight! Remember how she ate that whole pizza for dinner? She’s just too big!

“What are your goals?”
“Get skinny and have a life. Meet a man who loves me, and whom I love too.” She had gained weight on the trip, and wanted to lose it over the rest of the summer.

When Danielle Steel wrote about this book on her blog she said that it was about inner beauty, and that “we’re all beautiful in some way”. And yes, I get what she was trying to do with it, I get that this was supposed to be about finding peace with your body no matter what, blah blah blah. I just didn’t want to be force-fed the message over and over and over again. Excuse me while I purge this from my memory.

And Victoria was so upset, she ate a full plate of pesto pasta, and the entire basket of bread.

Read it if you want to despair in the crap that gets published by popular authors, or to feel better about the fact that you only think about your weight 70% of the time.